Men Who Were Left and the High Cost of the High Road

Divorcing couples in western societies are strongly encouraged to “take the High Road,” which is accomplished by not “involving the children.” The stoicism demanded of a father in the wake of a divorce is doubly imperative, dictated by both the High Road and masculinity codes. A “real man” takes the High Road even if he suspects that this is critically damaging his relationship with his children. This article is part of a study consisting of qualitative, semi-structured interviews of 50 men in Israel and the United States who were left by the women they loved. The research was conducted from a gendered and narrative perspective, and the analysis relied strongly on Gilligan’s “Listening Guide.” The article explores six tolls of the High Road from the specific perspective of these men: (1) Not telling the true story of the divorce is often perceived by children and the men themselves as telling a lie. (2) A fear of inappropriately burdening children stifles communication between parents and children. (3) In never blaming Mom, a man often becomes emotionally unknowable to his children. (4) A narrative of the divorce will emerge for the children, but without the father’s perspective it will be a distorted narrative. (5) Not speaking truthfully with the kids when they are young severely limits subsequent discussions of the divorce when they are adults. (6) Living in fear of “losing the kids” is not a helpful guide toward a meaningful relationship with one’s children. The article concludes by suggesting that it is possible for a divorced man to find a sensitive and age-appropriate way to share his pain with his children.